


Out of Space

by LePipi



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Politics, Weed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 20:49:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12328617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LePipi/pseuds/LePipi
Summary: After the Death Star sized hole in the budget that was Starkiller, Hux and Ren unwind in the only appropriate way. Read Republican propaganda with a lungful.





	Out of Space

The captain’s lounge of Starkiller base was a nightmare of oozing black smoke, the ventilation shafts a clogged mass of spirals, doing nothing to elevate the cloudy storm that was the center of the room. In the midst of the mirage two silhouettes set the scene.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about, it’s never been hashish, it’s cannabis.”

“It’s hashish on Jakku, cannabis on Arkanis, and space weed in basic.” Ren explained in his usual, flailing arms and saucer eyes, way.

“You’re basic.”

“No!” Ren thrived for his dramatic flare and would not accept being viewed as anything less than the artisan he was.

“Yes. Besides, everything is ‘space something’ from a galactical point of view.”

“Galactical?”

“Yes.”

“Galactic.”

“No. It’s galactical.”

“I’m pretty sure-“

“Galactical it is. Now look here… It’s about you, you read it.” Hux clipped his answer as he usually did and the matter was settled, for the moment.

“Alright, lemme… Oh, The Jedi Killer? Evertyhing is a jedi killer to these people. An earthquake swallows a jedi, they declare a resistance against earthquakes.”

“Read on, read on!” Hux urged him on, smoke billowing through his nostrils, the way Ren taught him. Called it the bothan way.

“In a second! The Jedi Killer is accompanied by a pack of feral GMO stormtroopers- The nerve!” The knight slapped the holo against his bare thighs.

“What’s wrong with my stormtroopers?”

“They’re not my knights! My knights are special! All good people. None of this, ‘feral, stormtrooper, clone’ business...”

“Don’t push it.” Hux’s voice came chilly threatening to become outright icy.

“Fine, so we- together they hunt ewoks to gather their blood for their bathing ritual- Sad. Just sad. No creativity. I’m bored.” He threw the holo toward his partner, who extended the joint in kind.

“Alright. _Alright_ , general Hux, they spelt my name with a cks, the illiterates-“

“Galactical”

“We established that, on with business, Ren. So, General Hux with a cks, receives-“

“Oh, he receives all right.” Ren smirked around a lungful.

“ _Receives_ the ewok babies- so you not only bathe in their blood but bring me their babies, how thoughtful, he receives-“

“You’re gonna be receiving my lightsaber if you don’t get on with it.”

“ _Receives_ \- receives the ewok babies whom he then cooks- nonsense I have people who do that for me, they couldn’t even capture the consistency of my character-“ Hux huffed in his self important way.

“Skip somewhere fun.”

“Alright… No, they’ve just warped our going ons into some pseudo religious crap. Where is this from… Dunalis? Figures. They’ve outlawed organized religion there you know. What better way to make it evil than by making us religious.”

“If you’re gonna be giving lessons, just hand it over.”

“Have at it. And pass me the offending joint.”

“Here.” He did as asked.

“Oh, this is some saucy shit here.”

“Saucy, Ren.” Hux glowered in amusement, a feat only he was capable of.

“ _Creamy_.” The knight replied in his uniquely sultry way.

“ _Ren_.”

“The jedi killer- oh they love that, and his company of hooded men participate in the most illicit of affairs, and they make no secret of their lust for blood and for each other- Shit!”

“Go on.”

“Their Upsilon is a den of depravity, where the knights of Ren pay tribute in the most disgusting of ways per their master’s wish. Now that’s not cool. They’re turning this fun orgy shit into some twisted un-fun orgy.”

“I’m sure they can’t even keep that consistent, shoddy writers the lot of them.”

“Yeah… _yeah_ , here- they willingly submit to the jedi killer’s bidding be it to- oh man here it goes- slaughter children or- guess what it is Hux.” Ren’s voice came chocked with laughter.

“No.”

“Guess. You know this one.”

“It’s a sexual act?”

“Yes.”

“A hint.”

“Our favourite.”

“Bum stuff.”

“Warmer.”

“Bum kissing.”

“Got it in one, you beautiful mass murderer.” Ren clapped while laughter howled through him.

“Thank you, thank you…” Hux humored the act with his own piece.

“Your ‘shoddy writers’ picked a different tactic though… arse licking!”

“No!” He put a hand to his chest.

“Yes!”

“As if… Where’s it from?”

“You gonna bomb them too?” Ren lay on the couch, edging closer to Hux’s lounging form.

“Just, answer.”

“It’s… Downtropck.”

“Ah, that explains. You of course know why Downtropck would write such a piece?”

“Hux come on…” The knight sighed, scrunching his nose in mock childishness.

“The New Republic has installed a bothan with a gambling problem to do their bidding as payment. Still, the bothan cannot be overzealous in his attempts at control, and so, he has to win over one of the two main political parties. Alas, he cannot do that because no one wants an outsider, especially not an outsider that thinks he can take over a good thing. So what he does is, he hooks into a small fanatic bunch, no power, no likeability, no prospects, and makes them his mouthpiece. _But_ , this mouthpiece demands something in return. Which is-“

“A rim job?”

“Outright _ban_ on sex that is not state controlled. And what does this piece of fine literature tell us?”

“If I’m evil and have sex, then that makes sex evil.” Ren answered dejectedly, as not even weed could lessen the general’s workaholism.

“More or less. Do you believe this tactic will work?”

“No.”

“And why is that.”

“Because butt stuff feels good.” He reached for hux, trailing a hand over his legs.

“Because Downtropck is and has been sovereign in their culture and technological progress, have molded themselves into a self-reliant technocracy with a thriving economy, who has no need and further, outright _rejects_ outside influence. The bothan will be taken care of, without our interference.”

“I love you.”

“I know.” Ren’s affections usually overpowered Hux’s rigid form. And so, he bent to kiss his knight’s pout.

“Pass?”

“Here.”

“The holo, as well.”

“Oh look here. Artistic rendition of you.”

“That’s… Hux, do I really look like that?” Ren’s tender nature had an effect on Hux’ inability to abstract his feelings.

“Paint cannot undo what you’ve brought to this world.” But he tried.

“Hux?”

“You’re gorgeous and this artist is obviously trying to innact a parodied version of your features as to ignite humour on your account.”

“Okay.” That dejectedness simply wouldn’t do.

“Come here and settle. Like that. Comfortable?” He had his knight wrapped in his arms, head on his chest, and nothing and no one could ever spoil this for him, he promised himself.

“Extremely. Feels like I’m drifting in lava.”

“That’s the weed.”

“It’s the Hux…” Pliant and dozy, Ren made for Hux’ lips who responded, but cut himself short at the heat there.

“I’ve a remedy.” The general took the holo high and Ren yelped pleasantly.

“Aw, we look so right, Hux!” He prided himself in knowing the minute ways to settle Ren. Most camera angles and light sources would send him into a spiral of doubt, the diva he was. Yet, making it known how gorgeous he really was, a difficult concept in and of itself, warped even more so knowing how vain his knight could be.

The telltale snap had Ren laughing again.

“More.”

He let him play.

One where the knight pouted sultry while his hands held onto the lapels of Hux’ shirt. Another where Ren draped himself dramatically over his chest. Others where Hux rested his head atop Ren’s, some possessive ones, cheek kisses, throat bites, the works.

“So, which one are we sending?”

“Sending? Sending where?”

“To some Republic mag, what’d you think?”

“Why would we share our intimacy with that scum that dares write such filth about us?”

“Well, here. Give me.”

Hux handed the holo distrustfully.

“The youngest general ever made, Armitage Hux and his knight protector Kylo Ren are here by issuing a declaration of independence from the sex police-“

“Give it here- are announcing their engagement-“

“General!”

“-A wedding soon to follow after the immediate collapse of the resistance, to be held on the ashes of our combined enemies. Long rule The First Order and long live in love Hux and Ren.”

Charged silence followed the general’s impassioned typing.

“That’s done then.”

“Will you send it?”

“Well… May I?”

“Yes.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> i just really wanted to write this out and send it into the ether, maybe others will find this as funny as I did lmao, planets and shit are made up cause why not


End file.
